i was moved by chambers

i have always loved the gospel of mark because of its speed.

in mark's account of jesus and those who followed they always seem to be going somewhere and even the word 'immediately' appears often. it seems as if there are moments when the disciples are lagging and desperately trying to keep up with this Jesus, one so focused on a mission.

mark records a moment when Jesus turns to face jerusalem and everything that it will mean for him and for all of creation, including the past the present and the future. it mentions that there is a fear that passes through their hearts as they experience this moment with him. he heads toward his destiny and all they can see ahead is mystery.

oswald chambers says...

"There is an aspect of Jesus that chills the heart of a disciple to the core and makes the whole spiritual life gasp for breath. This strange Being with His face 'set like flint' and His striding determination, strikes terror into me. He is no longer the Counsellor and Comrade, He is taken up with a point of view I know nothing about, and I am amazed at Him. At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize there is a distance between Jesus Christ and me; I can no longer be familiar with Him. He is ahead of me and He never turns round; I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely far off."

chambers goes on to say...

"If we have never had the experience of taking our commonplace religious shoes off our commonplace religious feet, and getting rid of all the undue familiarity with which we approach God, it is questionable whether we have ever stood in His presence. The people who are flippant and familiar are those who have never yet been introduced to Jesus Christ."

i am wondering in a way that chambers makes me rethink things. i don't have to agree with him to enjoy the places he takes me. i keep thinking about Jesus, mission, and trying to keep up as i run into a mystery and he leads me in his destiny.

i enjoy the way chambers keeps me off balance.

maybe christians ought to be known more for this...being a little off balance, surprised, feeling like the one we love is less predictable but we follow him anyway.

maybe we should see the back of his head more often.

maybe...

maverick

nouwen for devotions

i have been trying really hard to read really slow. when i read henri nouwen i have found that when i go really slow i see things he writes a few places deeper than the surface of the page. i think in my experience of reading nouwen some of the best thoughts excavated are by hanging out on a section, lingering over a few pages, or even stopping and refusing to go on past a sentence.

this may be true for other writers one chooses to read, but in this case it is very intentional. i am trying to read really slow. this is a discipline for me. the book i am reading is the journal 'gracias' and it is about nouwen's own search for 'calling.' calling is what seems to drive him and this work captures his prayers, learning, relearning, and discoveries as he attempts to find his way. there is a cool detour in his life. sometimes you think that you are called to something and find out it isn't what you expected--this is the adventure with God.

today i was reading something he wrote on thursday december 17th:

"In my preparation for my language classes I had to analyze a short story by the Spanish poet and novelist Carmen Corde. In this story a mother discovers shortly after the birth of her baby boy that the child is blind. She calls her family together and says, 'I do not want my child to know that he is blind!' She insists that from that point on everyone use a language in which words such as 'light,' 'color,' and 'sight' are avoided. The child grows up believing that he is like everyone else until a strange girl jumps over the fence of the garden and uses all the forbidden words."

nouwen has some further thoughts along the lines of relationships and challenges...

"I think that this story symbolizes much or our behavior. We all seek to hide what is strange and painful and to act as if things are as usual. We say, 'Let us act as if there were no problems, no abnormalities, no pains, no wounds, no failures, no illnesses.' In my own life I have experienced the power of this urge to hide, and urge that is often more harmful than what it tries to conceal.

Every time I have had the courage or gave others the courage to face the blindness, their mental anguish, or their spiritual agony and let others become part of the struggle, new creative energies became available and the basis of community was laid. Fear, shame, and guilt often make us stay in our isolation and prevent us from realizing that our handicap, whatever it is, can always become the way to an intimate and healing fellowship in which we come to know one another as humans."

so i have spent much time thinking today about community, and i am going to think about it for awhile.

slow.

slower.

my question today and for a few days will be where i might be in the story mentioned - am i like the parent....or, am i like the blind child....or, am i the little child who jumps the fence using the forbidden words...

you don't stop being a parent

parenting is growing more difficult as i grow older...

when i think of my kids i always smile on the inside and most of the time on the outside. but when i think of my kids (including a couple of son-in-laws) i feel like praying desperately. i immediately send up a few prayers that attempt to include them all.

they don't live at home with us anymore. they are all growing up and we are feeling blessed in these years just like the other years. as far as i know, most of the time everything is alright with them, but i keep thinking, remembering, smiling, and feeling the urge to desperately pray.

often this urge to pray just happens as i am going through the day and i wonder what they are up to.

i am not so sure that desperation is such a great thing. but i also know that there isn't anything i would not do on their behalf...i will be desperate if that is what is necessary. i will bargain, plead, cajole, push, pester, and beg God on their behalf and i will do it often...and even more often as i grow older.

is it some kind of impulse?

did abraham and sarah ever pray for isaac like this?

do i just miss them a lot and miss being a parent and having them near?

did hannah ever worry about samuel after she dropped him off at the temple?

is it okay for a 'christian' parent to lose some sleep over their kids?

is praying doing something when there is nothing a doing person can do?

did mary ever wonder what Jesus was up to?

sometimes i stand in a place where they stood.

sometimes i hold onto something that was theirs.

sometimes i look deeply into pictures as if it were yesterday.

sometimes i imagine being with them somewhere where they are.

sometimes i dream a future for them.

sometimes i hope they remember and pray for me and their mom.

sometimes i close my eyes and remember something only a parent remembers.

sometimes i smile and sometimes i feel a little desperate...but, always i pray.

this is a part of parenthood no one told me about before i got here.